


Warning Sign

by RacingHeart



Category: Political RPF, Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Detox, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-17 03:14:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10585263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RacingHeart/pseuds/RacingHeart
Summary: After the SoS is involved in a bombing the stress becomes too much for her. Finally she works up the courage to reach out to her husband. Companion piece to A Little Too Much.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm working on Love Song I promise. I'll have something up midweek.

Warning Sign

Drip

_Drip_

_**Drip** _

The water hit the drain in an almost sing song pattern. Hillary gripped either side of the porcelain sink as she slowly lifted her eyes to meet her reflection in the mirror. She was exhausted. Dark circles framed her eyes and her entire face was puffy. Sleep had been evading her more and more. Nightmares, or maybe memories, always brought her back to wakefulness. She opened the medicine cabinet and took out a pill bottle. She hesitated a little. And then released a heavy sigh, removing the top and shaking a few pills into her hand.

So this is what it had come down to. One of the most powerful women in the world was popping pills to help her relax. To help her function. To help her sleep. She swallowed them down with some water, flipped off the light, and made her way back to her empty bed. Her hand went for his pillow, pulling it tight against her and inhaling his scent. What she wouldn’t give for him to be with her in that moment. And she knew all she had to do was call, but she couldn’t.

This entire thing was her mess, she can gotten herself into it and she would get herself out of it. One way or another.

////

The entire room felt like it was closing in on her. Members of her staff seemed to all be talking at the exact same time. Her mind was racing a million miles a minute. She couldn’t focus on anything.

“Ma’am?” Adam’s voice repeated for at least the fourth time. “Are you alright?” concern laced his eyes.

“Yes.” she patted his hand. “I just didn’t sleep very well last night.”

Adam moved his chair closer to hers. “There’s nothing pressing on your agenda today if you want to go home.”

Hillary shook her head. “No, I’ll be fine.”

“At least rest for a little while in your office.” he suggested. “I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.”

She nodded. She had a bottle of Valium in her office. Perhaps that would help calm her nerves enough to get through the day on a minimal amount of sleep. And a nap wouldn’t be so bad either.

////

Hillary closed her office door behind her and made her way over to the dry bar. She picked up the carafe of water and poured herself a tumbler full. After taking a sip she made her way over to her desk and sat it on her coaster. She flopped down in the brown leather chair.

Everything hurt. She reached over to the left side of her desk and opened the middle drawer her eyes searching for that little orange bottle. For the longest time she just stared at it. She grappled with her thoughts. Deep down she knew she shouldn’t take one, but on the surface it’s what her body craved.

She picked the bottle up and sat it on her desk. Her name staring back at her. Hillary R. Clinton. First Lady. Senator. Presidential hopeful. Secretary of State. God, this had gone on long enough. She could not keep doing this.

Hillary reached over for her phone and placed the receiver at her ear. A deep breath in and another one out then she dialed the familiar number.

/////

The phone on his desk starting ringing. He tried to finish scribbling out his notes but the insistent ringing wouldn’t allow him to finish his thought. “Hello?”

“Bill?” her voice cracked, betraying her intentions.

He sat up straighter in his chair. “Darlin’?” he arched his eyebrow. “What’s going on?”

There was a long moment of silence on her end. She was gathering her strength. “I need you.”

His heart thumped harder in chest. Something was definitely off. “Where are you?”

“I’m at the State Department.” tears flooded even her voice. “I can’t...anymore. Will you come here?”

“Yeah, yes, of course.” he fumbled over his words. “I’ll leave now. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Hillary nodded into the phone and then remembered he couldn’t see her. “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.” he said. “I’ll be there soon.”

He hung the phone up. Something had been off with her for the past six weeks but he didn’t want to push it with her. It only upset her and made her agitated and defensive. She would come to him when she was ready he decided. And now maybe letting her do that was a mistake. Because what he heard on the other end of their call was raw and devastating.

/////

Bill pushed her office door open and closed it behind him. He could hear sniffling and made his way toward her desk. She was sitting on the floor behind it, knees pulled up tightly to her chest, her head resting atop.

He unbuttoned his suit coat and slid it off, throwing it over her chair before lowering himself to the floor in front of her. Blonde hair was smoothed back by his elegant hands and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“What happened?” he asked. “Tell me what you need.”

“I don’t know.” her cries were muffled. “I’m so lost I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.”

“Baby, I’m here for you.” he told her. “Whatever it is, I’m here. You can tell me anything.”

Hillary lifted her head to look at him. “I know.” Her eyes were red, puffy, wet. “I just…I don’t know how to tell you, Bill.”

He moved closer to her, cupping her face in his hands. Blue eyes searching her darker ones. “I’m not going to judge you.” he tried to assure her. “But you need to tell me if you want my help.”

“I do.” more tears slipped down her cheeks. “I need your help with this.”

A soft kiss was pressed to her forehead. “Then you need to tell me.” he said, softly. “I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

She slipped her hand into her blazer pocket and pulled something out. An orange prescription pill bottle came into view and she tipped it in his direction. Bill took it from her hand.

Hillary R. Clinton  
Valium  
Quantity: 45

He opened the bottle and shook the few remaining pills in his hand, quickly counting them out in his head. The fill date was less than ten days ago. He cupped his hand and poured them back into the bottle. The cap was replaced and he held the bottle out to her.

“Take it.”

She hesitated. She didn’t want them in her reach. “I can’t, Bill…”

“Why not?” he pushed her, he didn’t want to but he needed her to actually say the words to him.

“Because….” her eyes bore into his. “Because I think…because I’m dependent on them.”

Bill sat the pill bottle down between them. “What do you want to do, baby?”

“I’m not sure what to do from here.” she said, honestly “I just know that I need you here with me.”

“How bad is it?” he asked.

“This is my second bottle this month.”

He drew in a shaky breath and then slowly exhaled. “When is the last time you took one?”

“Two o’clock this morning.” she told him. “I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about what happened in Bosnia and I just….”

Bill moved beside her and pulled her against him. “It’s okay.” he whispered softly. “We’ll call Catherine we know we can trust her.”

Hillary nodded at the mention of her doctor. “I really don’t want to do _this_ at Whitehaven. I want to go home to Chappaqua.”

This.

_This._

_**Fucking this.** _

Detox.

Because that’s what it was.

tbc…


	2. Chapter 2

Warning Sign

 

Bill sat at his desk going over the handwritten instructions from Hillary’s doctor. Catherine thought that the detox could be managed from home, both for privacy and for his wife’s comfort. 

“Do you have any questions, Bill?”

He gently shook his head. “I think you’ve covered everything very thoroughly.” he told her. “I can’t thank you enough for doing this.”

“Just promise me you’ll call me if it gets too much.” she told him as she got up from the chair. “She’s going get irritable and probably take it out on you. You just must remain level at all times. And if you need a breather please don’t hesitate to call me.”

“I promise, Cathy.” he rose to his feet. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

“I can see my way out.” she replied. “Keep this private.” she turned at the entrance way. “The only way to prevent a leak is by not letting anyone in on this. The three of us are all that need to know what’s going on.”

“Thank you.” he watched as she disappeared and then sat back down at this desk. He scanned over the papers again, absorbing as much as he possibly could. Hillary was in for a battle. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. Addiction wasn’t something he saw coming and he was still kicking himself that he had failed to see it. But he would be damned if he failed her now. 

/////

Hillary glanced at herself in the mirror, bright blue eyes staring back at her. Mascara coated lashes and sculpted eyeliner. Contouring applied perfectly and precisely to her cheekbones, the swipe of color at the corner of her eyelids. Perfectly arched brows. Slightly tinted lips. Blonde hair graying just a bit at the temples but long and silky curling at the ends. Not exactly the face of addiction. 

She undid the button of her blazer and slipped it off. Her blouse was untucked and slid over her head, followed by her slacks. A makeup wipe was removed from the container in the middle drawer of the vanity and she proceeded to wipe her face until it was completely bare. She pulled her hair back in a messy bun and made her way into the closet, retrieving a pair of yoga pants and a long-sleeved Yale shirt. 

If she had to do this she was going to face it head on. Just like she has everything else in her life. Her anger was getting the better of her. Everything that happened in Bosnia and then the fallout. She should have been stronger. She should have fought harder. She shouldn’t have given into the ease of medication. Everything could have been avoided. 

Hillary grabbed the throw off the end of the chaise and curled up with it. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths in and then exhaled heavily. The entire weight of the world felt like it was resting on her incapable shoulders. God, why did she ever agree to be Secretary of State? Why couldn’t she have just stayed in the Senate? A place where bombs and convoys and gunshots weren’t the things haunting her waking and sleeping hours. 

The bombing had played in her mind over and over again. Pulling her out of a deep sleep, nightmares so vivid she could have sworn she was bleeding from broken glass upon waking. Sometimes the memories would keep her awake and she would toss and turn and finally fall into a fitful sleep. And it was too much. Sweat soaked pajamas and sheets, crying out in the middle of the night, afraid to turn out the lights and close her eyes. 

That was why she reached for the Valium. She had fought it for weeks but one night she finally gave in. And she slept. She slept soundly the entire night. For the first time since Bosnia. And when she woke up she was rested. She dreamt of Bill and of Chelsea and of happy moments instead of shattering glass and screams and wounds dripping with blood. 

So the second night she took another one and the third another one and within two weeks the entire prescription was gone. That should have been her red flag. It should have been her warning sign. There were pressing issues though at the state department and it was her responsibility to see them through. And that’s exactly what she did. 

“Hey baby.” Bill’s accent floated softly through the room. “I brought you some tea.”

Hillary opened her eyes and looked up at him. “Thank you, darling.”

“Careful it’s hot.” he placed the cup on the table beside her. “Milk and honey just like you like it.”

“You’re so good to me.”

He sat down on the end of the chaise. “I like taking care of you.” he smiled. “You’ve always taken such good care of me.”

She bit down on her bottom lip. “I’ve made such a mess of things.”

“You haven’t.” he tried to assure her. “You realized what was going on and you have taken the steps to fix the issue.”

“Issue?” she repeated. “I’m addicted to Valium. Addicted. You can say the word, Bill.”

He looked down at the floor. “The word doesn’t matter.”

“But it does.” she argued. “I’ve fucked up. I’ve let everyone down including myself.”

His raised his eyes to look at her. “You’ve not let anyone down.”

Hillary looked away from him, tears swimming in her beautiful blue eyes. “I took an oath and I’ve put everything on the line because of what I’ve done.”

Bill moved closer to her. “Hey, look at me.” he titled her chin up, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “You have not let anyone down. You’re human, we all are and we all make mistakes sometimes. You didn’t choose this, Hillary.”

“I didn’t not choose it either.”

“After what happened to you in Bosnia…anyone else I know would have resigned on the spot and ran for the nearest exit.” he told her. “But not you. You pushed through just like you always have. I’ve never known you to run from an issue. You always face things head on and this Valium addiction is no different.”

“I don’t know, Bill.” she whispered. “I’m scared, I’m more scared of this than what happened in Bosnia.”

He leaned in and swept her soft lips into a gentle kiss before pulling back to look at her. “I’m here with you, baby, every step of the way. We’re going to face this together. And we’re going to come out on the other side. Will you let me do this with you? Will you let me help you and not shut me out?”

“I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You’ve never disappointed me.” his voice was firm. “Not ever.”

 

tbc…


	3. Chapter 3

Warning Sign

 

 

The tile floor was cold on her back and there was a cool cloth lying across her forehead. A welcomed contrast to the warmth that radiated throughout her. She was flush, just slightly feverish. and she was positive she had never thrown up more times in her entire life. She looked up at the light fixture. It wasn’t on but it gave her something to focus on.

Bill stopped in the doorway and leaned up against the jam. “Need anything, baby?”

“Other than for this to be over?” she asked. “Just knowing that you still love me would be nice to hear.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” he repeated like a mantra. “I’ve loved you from the moment I met you and I’ll never stop.”

Tears prickled her eyes. “Thank you, darling.” she said, softly. “I love you, too.”

“Mind if I join you?”

“Please do.” she replied. “It’s an excellent view of the light fixture. I think the ceiling might need painted.”

Bill lowered himself down on the floor next to her, laying back on the rug beside her. “You’re right.” he observed. “I’ll put it on Dan’s list.” his hand reached for hers, tangling his fingers loosely with hers. “You know I can’t help but remember the last time I found you laying on the bathroom floor in my t-shirt.”

Hillary quirked an eyebrow. “When I was pregnant with Chelsea?”

“No.” he smiled. “It was back in Fayetteville. We had a huge party and when it was over we smoked all that pot with Jim and Diane. I didn’t think you would ever stop throwing up.”

She laughed at the memory. “It wasn’t the pot that made me throw up, baby, it was the tequila shots from before.”

“And you’ve never drank it since.”

“Well I can pretty much guarantee you that when I’m through this detox I will never touch another Valium or Xanax in my life.”

“It’s been a tough week, I know.” he said. “But you’ve been amazing.”

Hillary scoffed. “I’ve been an absolute nightmare.” she replied. “You’ve been the amazing one. You’ve made it through the mood swings and the irritability. You’ve helped me shower at two o’clock in the morning and made me toast at my request. Not to mention just being wonderful in general.”

“All of that still pales in comparison to you.”

She brought his elegant hand to her lips and softly kissed the back of it. “It’s not a competition, baby. Let me have this one, okay?”

“Okay.” he agreed. “I love you. I love you so much. And if I could do this for you I would.” 

“I know.” she said, quietly. “But I’m going to get through this and things are going to be different.”

“Different?”

“I’m going to relax a little. Not hold myself to ridiculously high standards.” she told him. “Not put myself in a situation like this ever again.”

“Well, it’s about damn time!”

Hillary smiled. “And I want to go on vacation.” she told him. “I want to lay in a hammock on the beach and not worry about anything.”

“Well, it’s not the beach but I can have the boys hitch the hammock up in the backyard and we could pretend we’re in Bermuda.” he suggested. “Do you think your stomach could handle it?”

“I’ll force it to.”

////

He pulled the blanket up over them. It was mid-October and the sun was shining brightly but a cool breeze swept over them occasionally. There was a certain amount of unspoken peace that transpired between them as they laid in the hammock. A gentle notion that everything would indeed be okay. 

She laid with her head on his chest and the steady beat of his heart resounded in her ear. The thumping not only brought a smile to her face but solace as well. It was in his arms that she truly felt like everything would be okay. Even if it wasn’t. They would hang on to each other as tightly as they could.

His hands had made its way into her hair, stroking the silky tresses at first and then rubbing them between his fingers. A golden halo for his goddess. A crown for his queen. Thorns for a woman paving a new path for women in politics. 

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” his voice was soft and light. “I love holding you in my arms like this.”

“Well I’m not going anywhere right now.” she replied. “I just want to be here with you.”

Bill dropped a kiss to the top of her head. “Your hair smells good. Like mangoes.” 

She chuckled. “Thank you, baby.” she said. “I’m glad you like it.”

They swung together for a while in silence. Just existing together. They didn’t always need words. Sometimes a gentle touch was enough.

Hillary played with his wedding band. “Bill?”

“Yes, darlin’?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“What’s that?”

“Politics.” she replied. “I just want to be a private citizen. Not beholden to anyone but you.”

Bill was silent for a few moments. “Are you sure?” he asked. “What about running for President again?”

“No.” she said, firmly. “I’m ready to pass the torch.”

“I’ll support you no matter what.” he told her. “I want you to do whatever makes you happy.”

“You make me happy.” she smiled up at him. “Being here makes me happy. And I want to be happy.”

“It’s settled then.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” he told her. “I will support whatever it is that you want to do. And if you want to stay here and grow old and grey with me than I’m all for it.”

Hillary laughed. “I don’t know about the grey part.” she joked. “I have grown rather fond of the blonde over the years.”

“Just old then?”

“As long as I’m with you.” she told him. “I think this was my warning sign. I just want to live my life happily and peacefully. After my term as Secretary is up we’ll only worry about giving our time and energy to each other. No more politics.”

“Now, I like the sound of that.”

Hillary smiled up at him. “I love you, Bill Clinton.”

Bill pressed a kissed against her temple. “I love you, Hillary Rodham.”

 

-Finished


End file.
